Yeah old news. But so fresh right now.

Rainbow pulls me in. All the pain must be healed. I've decided to live, i think. Feeling is coming back to me, the power of joy I can sometimes feel wash over me for life. But, the shadow of death isnt that dark anymore. its looking better and better as every day that drags me along with it goes by-in alcohol and anger. Well, my friend, You knew me as a rainbow. Id told you all about it. You even had to go check it out for yourself, and was amazed by all the beautiful souls you'd found. You said you knew what I was talking about. For understood me. Oh hindsight vision. Why cant present vision be 20/20 instead.

I'd like to continue as that girl I was, though I have changed dramatically with time of course, but continue in what I believe in. Feel your spirit with me. Not shut out living my life, not turn to drugs, continue that Peace that I so wanted you to understand. Let me be that. I'm still here. Ugh. The road will never be the same, and god help me when I come across the desert. My heart beat there because of our unique experience, and well, it still is..

except it is ghostly now, just a dreamworld, alive only in that place where no one could have found us, still living that moment, always. Feral, god damnit. This anger is ruining me. So, Rainbow-I need your help. I need Love again, if that's even ok with myself. Am I just tricking myself..will I ever love again? When I laugh these days, it sounds desperate. Death is just over my shoulder, and it's sweet whisper blows in the musical winds. All I see are old lies infront of me. How long do we have to keep playing this game? What the hell. Why are people so fucking stupid sometimes? Wont anyone wake up? It's not right!

What a way to mature. God can say i asked for this but i dont feel i did..that I've asked for this experience to be given to me. Hell no. Not like this.

All I can do is have some fucking hope. Hope for Rainbow to help me release this hurt and anger and depression.

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Comment by ☯ Firelight ☮ ♥ ☼ on July 28, 2013 at 3:39pm

Comment by Rogue Phallen on May 6, 2011 at 12:37am

Thank you Amber,

       I had only read your main post when I wrote that, I had not read it all.  I am glad that you did not misunderstand my phrase about us all "asking" for what we receive in life's lessons.  O f course we don't not ask for tragedy, or 'bad' things to happen to others, but we do have it within our power to make good from all that occurred.   It is the greatest gift we can give to those who have passed to find greater self love in their memory.    Again I thank you for your wisdom........size nine has never fit my mouth.....                      


With Love



Comment by Amber Waves on May 5, 2011 at 5:55pm
Thank you..I'll remember all of these words of hope. It's comforting to know, and thank you Suzanne-I did feel the sunshine today, except here it's melting with humidity and mosquitos lol But it did brighten me up some. Love you guys <3
Comment by Rogue Phallen on May 5, 2011 at 3:32pm

It may be what I have heard called the dark night of the soul...........horrible ...dark...pain.   You can barely remember that once you woke up glad.....I was there.  TOO HIGH A PRICE I RAILED AGAINST GOD.

      My time there did finally pass.     Now I know it was a small price after all.   I asked God why my inner battles were so brutal.......because I wanted to be free of the BULLSHIT.  i GUESS A LOT OF BE was BULLSHIT.    Now I find an abundance of fertilizer.   Remember if you can that 'you did ask for it.'  None of us are ever prepared for it..........there could be no true change if we were.   We are with you in spirit and hope.         



Comment by Suzanne Hirsch on May 4, 2011 at 9:24pm
Hi Amber Waves, I am hoping you found a little sunshine today.  :)
Comment by Suzanne Hirsch on May 3, 2011 at 8:37pm
Hello sweet sister, I love that you wrote back to me.  You have been within my heart all day.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Life is shorter for some and today you must go on. Your loss is great.  I am so grateful that you have shared about yourself and that you are writing your memories and that it is turning into a book.  I am sure reliving the love and adventure with Feral feels painful and necessary.  Do what you must.   Plan the Family Gathering trip.  I am sure it will be loving and uplifting.  I wish I could. You will always carry the joy and pain you what you have shared with Feral.  My loving hope for you is that through more life experience you will begin to carry it differently.  From your photos I can see that you have so much going for you.  You probably know this to a degree but can not see the strength and beauty that I have found in you (through the computer!).  When it is particularly hard to get through a moment or day remember that you can walk, talk and you don't shit in your pant, life is pretty good and YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY.  Love, hugs, kisses and peace from me to you. Suzanne
Comment by Amber Waves on May 3, 2011 at 7:49pm
geez, i see how this looks after reading it. Feral and I WERE together for a long time. In 2009. he wasnt JUST a friend of mine, we shared love. That last conversation we ever had was more than those words, he was telling me he felt like the worlds biggest jackass for letting me get away. Grrrr. But I could go on and on about the details. I'm actually writing a book about our travels. at least its turning out to be a book. I just dont want to ever forget anything we went through, so Im writing it all down. I can still remember everything!!! its making me crazy, but it's theraputic.
Comment by Amber Waves on May 3, 2011 at 3:28pm

Thank you sister. It means alot to hear anything, even still. His death was a month ago and it's hard to find people who will respond to the pain of it, since yeah-no one really knows how to make you feel "better" about it. But I do say all the time, even on cardboard signs, Anything helps.

Well his death made me see how short life really is. One minute you're here, the next you're not. But I dont like that it's in this way that makes me want to be a better person. All these realizations..I wish I could have felt like this while he was here. Why I'm still upset though, mad at myself, is because while we werent seeing eachother, he asked me to come hang out with him..and I said no because I was working alot and trying to take care of bills first before I took off on the road again. Then he told me he would always love me. If I ever needed a man, even if I'm old and wrinkly, that he would be there to love me for me. I told him that was what I'd always wanted to hear him say. That conversation was the last time we talked. Blocking out the frustration is getting easier, because Feral IS still with me, he's sending me sign EVERYWHERE and it makes me feel all that LOVE. Like today, I was at work (i work at a childrens toystore) and was taking some old toys off a shelf and putting new slingshots on them. Under the last toy was a cool silver dollar with his birth year on it. Just when I was feeling him around. its things like that. So, life can be bearable. But what I would give..i want nothing more..i just want him back. the acceptance is getting better, those darkest hours are finally over. But just angry and I feel small and also i feel like i could do so much with my life and happy to laugh..but yeah.

You've inspired me back to Rainbow..I wasnt going to go, I was going to give everything up, everything that I'd been working on and remembering and trying for. But I think it will help to go. Expectations though....that may mess this up. But we shall see.  Thank you Suzanne, I never liked to exploit my sadness, but if I dont through these days, that would just be a mess. Loving you and can feel your love.

Comment by Suzanne Hirsch on May 3, 2011 at 12:11am
Hi Amber Waves, I am glad you reached out sister.  You are not alone.  I feel your pain, I really do.  There is good news.  I have found myself feeling so low that I can't feel joy for life, or grateful for all that I have and I have what I need and know that I should "feel" grateful, but it gets lost and I feel breathing is and effort...okay on to the good news... I have found that I know I need to keep telling myself that I won't always feel that way and it can and does subside.  You do need to get to a gathering to be with our brothers, sisters, family and let the love seep in.  And lose the alcohol, it's hurting you.  Please feel free to write me back or comment here (I think i will get an email), I am hoping you will be feeling a bit better.  Love, hugs, kisses.

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