RAINBOW FAMILY GATHERINGS: Unofficial Community for Rainbow Family
I'm currently 26 years old and I've been struggling ever since I have memory with my sense of self, belonging and any other sort of "existential crisis" you could think of...
My life, or my mind, is a continuous up and down and, I guess right now is one of those "downs".
I don't feel like I belong here, and its a fight I have with myself constantly. The overwhelming desire of not being here, on earth, is ridiculous. Not because earth or life isnt beautiful, but because simply I dont feel like a belong to this system. I force myself to work and work and work, because "money is important" (it really isnt, but money buys food and food is a must) but I don't want to...
It's nothing like "oh I wished everything would fall off the sky and be done" but, I ratehr live in a society/community that exchanges food, for shelter, for medicine, etc, rather than obsessing over money over and over again. I need a long vacation from "existing" in this society only because its way too overwhelming for me. I guess it has something to do with accepting the things you can't change and letting go. But the idea that I'll have to live another 60 years working jobs I can't stand, that do nothing for myself or soul, feeling like I can't pick a "career" and work on a "career" I love because everything bores me after a while, specially if I have to do it every day all the time with no real artistic outlet or creativity, drives me nuts. I love cooking, I love baking even more... I went to school for it a while ago, dropped out because I couldnt stand the idea of working in a hotel or a kitchen and following other people's menu. Having my own bakery, restaurant, etc sounded great, until you get to the business side of things. I studied Humanities and Philosophy back ion college, before I went to Culinary School, I ended up self sabotaging and dropped out 3 semesters before finishing.
I want to move, I want to travel, I want to grow my own food, I want to cook for other people and have vasts time to just listen to my inner self, wander off in nature, listen to music, pet animals, be happy. This is the only kind of life that makes sense to me; for everyone else "I'm crazy" or "I just dont want to work/have responsibilities"
When in reality, I feel a huge sense of responsibility, of finding myself, or understanding things that have been bothering me ever since I was a child, questions that have still not been answered for years and years. I don't want to depend or be forced to depend on money, I dont want to get lost in a system where I work I pay unnecessary bills, and then await for death so I can "finally rest" NO!
And so, as I have to wake up, get out of bed, get "ready for work", go to work and wait excruciating hours with people who don't understand me, or serving people who are rude, just so I can pay a lousy rent for an apartment I just dont want, for food I am no longer happy to cook because the reality of my day puts on such an enormous weight on my shoulders, I painfully repeat to myself "I just don't want to be here, but I don't know how to get out of this pattern"
I have faith that one day, I'll find my way around this... but for now, nothing really makes sense.