Living in Indiana has never really been bad to me I should say. Yet for the longest time I have wanted to leave. Arizona was my destination of choice back then whenever then was. I floated around a bit after my parents got divorced living a brief time in Illinois and Ohio as my dad moved around with his new wife. Mostly I stayed with Mom though in good ol' Indiana. I quit high school my senior year in Ohio, well I was just starting to get into the occult, wicca , magick or new age stuff in general. I had been to several churches through out my life and knew those people basically did not practice what they preach, the majority at least. Anyway, my step-mom found a satanic bible in my room one day and took it. It wasn't even mine, some friend had it and I just borrowed it to read. I really wasn't believing too much in the christian's god why would I believe in his adversary? I went and took it back, she flipped out (she was a bit flipped out anyway I think) and kicked me out of the house, right in front of my dad who didn't seem to care. So I left, returned the guy's book and stayed with friends or in their garage or in a car that was supposed to be mine parked outside my dad's house. I was still going to school and was in class when I got called to the office. There was my dad and a cop in the principals office. Apparently they had reported me as a run away, and had a hard time finding me till they looked where I was supposed to be. They were "concerned" because I had read a satanist book and wanted to know if I was a satanist. I told them my dad reads western books all the time and you didn't see him ride up here on his horse with his six guns did you? Apparently that was good enough for them, they decided I would live with my grandmother in law or step grandma. Did that for awhile but the whole scene had ran it's course, I was tired of it. My american history 2 liar... err..I mean teacher kicked me out of class one day while she was having a flashback or something. I ended up quiting school there and went back home to Indiana and Mom.

I finished up high school back in Indiana was easy enough. Got out of high school, I guess I really didn't have any direction back then. Well, chasing girls and getting stoned and reading new age books just doesn't cut it I guess. I never even did drugs till I got accused of it by my parents, but once you get accused sometimes you say to hell with it and just do it since you getting yelled at for doing it anyway. Mom wanted me to go ITT Tech and make something of myself I guess, like most moms would. I didn't want to go but I thought I would do it because she wanted me too, what could it hurt? So I did and ended up getting some 2 year associates degree had a generally good time working at a liquor store on Indy's east side while doing so. This is one of those things I would have changed, ya know, if you could go back and do something different? Student loans still haunt me to this day. They told me my interest rates would never change, of course they forgot to mention they would sell my loan to another bank and they would split it in half so I would have more than one payment they could collect on (cha ching : I owe them 5 more cents now) The "system" sets you up for this and there is a reason they call it a system. It's not your system nor our system it's their system and they don't care much for you. You go through school as child getting indoctrinated with what they tell you is true. Most of what school turned out to be was one big game of concentration or a memory trick. (cha-ching : I owe them 5 more cents now) Home schoolers gotta do it better, maybe just because its done with love teaching your own children. Anyway they get you ready to do something after high school which just turns out to be school you now have to pay much more money for. They get these young kids into debt with student loans about the same time they will find themselves getting pre-approved credit card applications to get you stuck even further in the hole before you even get a job. (cha-ching I owe them 5 more cents now) Can you tell this system is run by con artist's and big business? Alright got off on a bit of a rant there...

Now I got my piece of paper saying I am capable of learning, associates degree in EET electrical engineering technology. So dad calls up one day and somehow found out I graduated, tells me he would have liked to have came to my graduation. I don't think he minded too bad me not telling him about it since I didn't go to it either. He calls back and says they got an opening at NCR where he worked at all these years. I figure what the hell, I got this piece of paper now saying I can get a "good" job, why not try and please another parent? So I go back to Ohio and interview and get a job doing technical support for retail business like Krogers and Pizza Hut. They call us up when the their systems stop working and we instruct them over the phone and diagnose the problem and see if we can fix it by telling them what to do, resetting the whole system to fix it or whatever before we have to send a repair guy out. This job was taken on the condition that the whole team was moving down to Atlanta and that i was prepared to do that. I was.

I got a new S10 truck and went down to Atlanta got my own apartment moving away from all my family and got to live on my own. Good times were had, I worked and was under the impression I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was still reading my occult books and digging alot of what i found. Since I was on my own and didn't have to worry about getting kicked out of my own apartment I decided to find some of these people and see what they had to offer. I went though the local occult bookshops and found the local ads for such things and ended finding a group of ritual magick people at a meeting the had doing a chakra meditation or something. These folks led to more folks and I wanted to learn more so I eventually ended up moving one guy in with me after him and his old lady broke up. It was a fun group of people to be with, open minded and I got to learn alot more about magick. Ended up going to some wiccan full moon gatherings and what not. One enochian magick ritual totally blew my mind one night. I am sure the fact that one friend found a buddy with some liquid acid and he poured it onto a strip of paper for him to bring to us for the ritual helped. The ritual invocation was over and I was just a partaker of the ceremony, not the one doing the invocation or the one scrying. Yet when the invocation was done I had seen the same things as the scryer started describing. I could finish her sentences she could finish mine sorta thing. Then after it was I was still tripping very hard, prolly the fact I waited for hour for it to come on and didn't feel anything so dosed again before we started. I went into my room and they were all in there living room of my apartment. I found myself still able to see the living room when I wasn't in there anymore, like I was viewing the astral plane and the people were still there yet they looked totally different on this astral plane. Demonish, devilish, angelic etc, yet all still there and the music was talking to me as well as some of them. Now I am sure many will attribute all that happened to the acid but there was more to it than that that night. My muladhara chakra got blown open and stayed open for like a week after that.

This is the time in my life where I realized that what I was doing is not what I wanted to be doing. What I was doing was certainly not what I wanted to be doing the rest of my days on this planet. I did not want to sit in a pod in a cube calling us a team working together for a common bond, one of the working places common routines to get you to work like a family while you neglect your real family. I ended up having alot of good times with the people I worked with and it was a good learning experience, may I never do it again.

I ended up drinking a bit much one day and slammed my car into light pole. Got myself a DUI and ended up quitting my job. I went to work with a friend who lived in the apartment complex I did. He did construction, framing houses. We had hung out going to the local bars for sometime and he had complained alot about working for his boss who happens to be his brother in law as well. Said his brother in law could be an ass but I figured what the hell, I may have sat behind a desk for 5 years but I knew wanted to be outside and working outside sounded good to me. Eventually he moved out of the apartment complex and a bit after I did too and I moved in with him. Come to find it was him that was the ass on the job site, his brother in law was not to bad. I seen my friend run people off the job with some off his behavior. It was good for awhile though ended up moving my girlfriend in there and it was again good times. She was a waitress and would get off work late and want to go drinking and we stayed out late partying. This was all good, but I was like a fun drunk and never got hangover really. My roommate on the other would come into work being quite obnoxious after a late night of partying. Eventually I had had my fill of it all and decided it was time to come back home to Indiana once again.

Back home I had a couple of good friends and some family so it was like coming home, that place your always welcome. I wasn't back a week before I started doing drywall work with a friend who was sub contracting and basically his own boss. It was really just me and him most of the time. If we got a big job we'd pick up another guy we knew. This was my old pot smoking buddy, we had a good time. We would do small business remodels or fix it jobs which paid pretty good. Eventually he decided he needed to get a "real" job and that was basically my last working experience.

I was still into the occult but also big into how the government lies to us and what scam they run on us day by day. By now I had already decided I never wanted to drive again, no more license, insurance, plates, tires, oil windshield wipers etc. for me. I did not want to go work for the man or the big business's that were raping the lands and people. TV just annoyed me. I did watch some sports or a program or two now and then. I am still amazed at how well it does it's job, turn people into zombies. My study into the occult was beginning to change as well. Becoming more natural, I am not in rush anymore. Not trying to storm the gates of the heavens by force. Nature, the universe, the cosmos! I do more meditation or prayer than anything now. More of the connection flowing throughout the universe that connects us all. Always seeking more, trying to stay connected to the source or my higher self, whatever you want to call it. I have acquired enough experience, seen , heard and read enough to know we are more that just our bodies. There is more that goes on than what we can see or hear. There is so much more.

So now I stay here with mom and the dogs. A minuscule blip in the greater picture of things, the years have started to pass by. Finding out I may still not know exactly what I want in life but finding more and more of what I want and I know what I don't want. I do know I want to get back to nature, live with the land not abuse it. I don't want to be in the rat race to see who can get the bigger piece of cheese. I find myself on the internet often searching for something a bit like Neo in the Matrix. The latest thing I have found online is the Rainbow Family of Living Light. Just may be the answer I have been looking for.

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Comment by sage_rainbowmamma on March 13, 2010 at 8:41pm
thank you for sharing your story brother, isn't it amazing how similar or parallel our journeys are.
We are the awake ones.

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